Shiver (Phan)
by Awkwardasthon
Summary: "we broke every moment we had, to make the other one feel bad." mending a broken relationship was never something easy, but it felt as if he owed this to him, or to himself maybe. Phan mpreg
1. Stay with me

"I hate you. Do you know how worried I was about you. You don't deserve to be loved dan. You were my best friend but all you did was ruin my life. You're just a disgusting freak that shouldn't exist" the words stuck to Dan's mind. Not a second passed that he wouldn't think about it. Each and every word that left Phil's mouth leaving marks on his skin, incomparable to the pain he felt when his father would hit him. But those were just words. Words that happened 5 years ago. Yet they were still fresh in his mind.

"Daddy"

Words that left him crying for reasons that wouldn't appear.

"Daddy"

Or did they but he chose to ignore them.

"Papa"

3 year old Ashton leaped onto their father, now 25 who still laid in his bed.

"Oh, morning sweetie. What are you doing up so early"

"Happy birthday daddy" Ashton said moving to their fathers side as the child lay a paper on her father's chest.

Dan lifted the light paper of his chest, sitting up. He held it between his hand, running his thumb against the felt stickers on the card and his child's messy but adorable hand writing. Another thing she received from him. But they were no comparison to the eyes she's received from Phil. Dan opened the card reading the small words written in the card. 'Daddy I may find my Prince, but you will always be my king. I love you-Ashton.'

"Grandma helped me me make it"

"Aww sweetie. I love it" Dan wrapped his arms around his baby,tears leaving his eyes as he held onto her. "Don't cry daddy"Ashton said retracting her arms from her father's neck. "I'm sorry sweetie. Get dressed so we can have breakfast and go to grandma's."

"Yay" Ashton squeled excitedly running to her room. "Be careful"

Dan smiled as he fully sat up resting his back against the head stand of the bed.'wow. I'm 25 now. It's been 5 years since its happened. Five years since Phil kicked me out of the flat. How wierd it feels not to be spending my birthday with him. I wander how he's doing without me. Better I guess. Anyone could be better without me.

So what you're saying is you're going to be gone for an entire month of summer"

Chris tried to keep in step with Phil's pace as he moved around the house. "Yeah we had so many plans. and you can't leave me with him"

"Yeah-wait excuse me"

Phil smiled as he listened to his two friends pj and Chris bicker. He was packing to go to manchester for the summer to see his family. He invited Chris and pj over to his house one last time before he had to leave. It was fun to have them around once in a while. After kicking Dan out it got quiter in the house. Something Phil wasn't used to. Never really thought of it before. He's been with Dan for as long as he could remember. This house being a place of sanctuary for them. Where they wouldn't be judged by others but bask in each other's wiredness. I guess it was taken for granted. He missed the way they joked with each other.

I miss the way his socks were spread all over the house

I miss the way his dimples showed when he smiled

I miss the way his tongue stuck out when he laughed

I miss finding him eating my cereal

I miss the way his eyes sparkled

I miss him

It would be bad if the start of it all wasn't explained. Well it went like this.

( 5 years before)

Angels weren't that hard to find. Phil could see one right next to him. His eyelashes plump and thick just like his pink lips that were left slightly open. His brown hair that held coils of curls that strung perfectly around his face. His dimples that gave him his baby face. Phil always wandered how Dan couldn't see his own beauty. How much of a wonderful person he is. But all that matters now is that I love him. Phil lifts himself lightly, trying not to disrupt his sleeping boyfriend as he crept to their gaming room. Lifting the sofa cushion he pulls out the anniversary gift he got for Dan. Next to it he saw the second gift he would give to Dan on his birthday. He wearily pulled the small box out, putting the anniversary gift on the floor. Phil opened the box, slowly standing as if holding a baby. He looked over to lion smiling "just two more weeks lion." Phil tucked the small box back under the cushion of the couch before taking the anniversary gift and leaving back to his room. Hiding the gift behind his back he fully entered the room, the once sleeping body now fully awake. "Morning bear" Phil sat next to his boyfriend staring into his beautiful eyes as Dan's cheeks turned red a feeling of bliss as he saw the breathtaking view before him. "Morning philly" Dan replied as he was met with a kiss. While Dan's eyes where still closed Phil slipped a diamond encrusted locket onto Dan's chest. Dan jumped as the cold silver hit his bare skin breaking the kiss he looked at his chest. "Happy anniversary"

"Wait that was today...kidding,kidding."

"Go on open it"

He opened the smooth silver as he was greeted with a picture. It held 4 quadrents, each showing pictures from an aniversary ever since they started dating. Dan's eyes brightened the feeling of bliss hitting every inch of him. A smile crept onto his lips. "Dan"

"I love it. Thank you Phil." Dan threw his arms around Phil, knocking them both down as he laid on his boyfriend. "Phil... please never leave me"

"I won't ever. But if I do. I'll be back. I promise"

"Phil... please never eat my cereal"

"Dan... I will never stop eating your playfully hit Phil as they laughed.

"Happy anniversary my love"

The sheets became nothing but moving silhouettes, as the couple enjoyed their love for each other.

#########10 days later ########

Dan twisted and turned, the sheets on his body being hastily thrown of as he dashed to the bathroom as an urgency to throw up overcame him. Finally reaching the toilet Dan fell to his knees as it finally reached its peak, his dinner leaving his stomach. 'What is happening to me' Dan thought. He could feel the burning bile in his throat. The feeling of not being able to breathe while your almost digested food rises from your stomach and shoves itself through your small throat is something that is obviously unpleasant. Breathing heavily Dan sat on the floor holding his stomach as beads of sweat fell down his brow. He shivered in fear of throwing up again as he craddled himself. He stood up wincing as cramps set in his lower abdomen, Taking small steps on the cold tile floor. As he neared the stairs he lurched in pain. Tears left his eyes, mixing with sweat and cascading down his dimple, Which normally only showed in cases of happiness. "Dan" Phil appeared at the top of the stair case stood in shock, before his footsteps became rapid. "What's wrong"

"It hurts Phil. It hurts" the sight in front of Phil's eyes was what scared him most. The one he loved was lying on the ground arms wrapped around his knees, shaking with tears cascading down his face. Eyes that were once happy were now filled with fear. And that was what scared Phil most. as another yelp escaped Dan's mouth Phil grabbed the boy lifting him into his arms. His grey jumper now wet with his own tears. "Everything's gonna be ok bear. Everything's gonna be ok" Phil's words were the last thing Dan heard before everything and anything went black

Opening his eyes Dan saw a white machine, the smell of bleach,lemon and death filling his nose as a beeping noise cascaded his ears. He closed his eyes as the bright light filled them. Once his eyes adjusted he saw that he was on a hospital bed. But why was he here? It didn't take long before the memory hit him. Last night. Pain. Phil.

"Oh you're awake. I'm nurse Andy"

A lady with blond hair tied messily into a bun, a white uniform as plain and white as the room and a simple name tag. A smile was plastered on her face but it wasn't real. It never was. In her eyes you could read pain, stress, broken. But who wasn't... Who wasn't.

"So you are Daniel James Howell, am I right" she said unsurely the same plaster smile that never seemed to leave. "Yes"

"Well I guess you would like to know what's happening Daniel" the name left her mouth smoothly but attacked him with a familiar sense of hate. The memories connected to that name being something he hated.

"Well your boyfriend took you here after you blacked out due to pain and stress. This machine here just says your heart rate and blood pressure while the iv in your arm is to keep you blood pressure normally and replenish what you lost from vomitting. Other than that there is nothing wrong with you that you should be too worried about. But there is something that you can find as either good or bad news. Daniel James Howell you're pregnant."

Dan sat on the uncomfortable bed as he stared at the plain, blank wall that infuriated him. It was so empty. So devoid of any sign to show happiness. But maybe he hated it because it reminded him of himself. Plain and empty. This room had a history. A history of death and miracles. Dan didn't understand why he was put in such a place. Nurse Andy told him the ratio of finding a carrier to a million people. And he was one of them. This was something he couldn't understand. He wasn't unique, he wasn't special. So why him. Why me. There are many other people that deserve this chance. Many people that are trying to get their own child and I'm just here with no effort at all. They must hate me. It's my fault for getting pregnant. How dare I compare myself to others. To have the odasity to be sad and selfish when many would find this a blessing. I'm a terrible person. I don't deserve to be alive. Dan could feel his eyes burn as tears threatened to fall. One escaping, sliding gracefully down his cheek. I'm a fucking crybaby. That's why Phil hates me. Because I'm a selfish crybaby. Dan's thoughts began to crowd with memories. The beeping in his ear taken over by the taunting of 'crybaby' . Oh how well he could remember it. All the words everyone's ever said to him. Each bitter and uncaring. 'Kill yourself daniel.'

'Daniel you are a disappointment to this family's

'No son of mine is going to be a fag'

'What a freak. Glad he's not my friend's

Millions of thoughts. And they did not want to go away. It wasn't long before the tears were no longer barricaded but now flowing freely as they glided along the hills of his cheeks. Not one stopping as they jumped of the cliff of his jaw line, falling onto the same plain hospital gown he wore. He didn't matter. He never mattered.

"It's as if I can't read my emotions but there crashing into me all at once" sobs escaped his mouth. His voice high and wheening."but how am I supposed to react. I'M BLOODY PREGNANT" he was talking out loud again.

"I've been told my whole life that it...it was impossible for a male to be pregnant. But I'm my own living proof." I want to tell Phil. Of course I do. But would he accept me? Phil was known for be caring and sweet but if too much stress overcame him he would change. I've seen it before. One of the pits of our relationship. When we were more broken than ever before. How swiftly our tears mixed and made a pool around us. But this pool is what glued us together. Not letting anyone in on our secrets. I want to tell Phil I'm pregnant, but my fears always overcome my hopes. But this was our baby. Phil deserved to know. Sitting up as much as he could as the wires and tubes restrained him he held his belly. Whispering sweet words to his growing baby.'hang in there baby. I won't ever hurt you.

A knock on the door drew his attention. Nurse Andy pocked her head through the door.

"Two people are here to see you." Exiting the room two figures entered.

"Hey bear" Phil appeared in my vision, my mom not far behind him. I smiled at them quickly trying to disguise my tears. These were my favourite people in the world I can't let them see me cry.

"Hi mommy, Philly. When can I leave" Phil sat in the chair on my right side as I took his hand in mine, his warmth wiping away the thoughts from before. Phil used his other hand to play with my curls as I played with his hand.

"Well the nurse said nothing was wrong with you and that you'll be able to leave early tomorrow morning. But she wants you to come for a checkup 3 months later? What is that about." I looked towards mum in fear. Should I tell her I'm pregnant. Maybe when Phil's not here. "she just wanted to confirm that I was fine so 3 months time will show if there is anything wrong. But don't worry I'm sure everything will be ok." I lied through my teeth. I never like lying to my mother. But it's for the best. I knew the 3 month checkup was actually a sonogram to check on the baby.

"So nothings changed" Phil looked at me with hope in his eyes.

"Nothings changed"

I stared at Dan, his soft snores bringing me comfort knowing he was breathing. The knight before had left me scarred and worried. But even with this hard plastic chair, in a cold smelly room I felt happy as I twirled his hair between my fingers. My sleeping beauty

"Phil" I turned to Dan's mother almost forgetting she was there.

"You love him don't you"

"I do. With all my heart."

She smiled

"Just know I'm expecting grandkids someday"

Blood rushed to my cheeks as my attention focused on my feet. She laughed at me as I joined along the sentence still stuck in my mind. The door to the room opened the nurse stepping in. "I'm sorry but visiting hours are over"

She went back out the door leaving us to say goodbye. I stood from my seat before planting a kiss on Dan's forehead. "Bye love" I said leaving Dan's side. Hugging his mom I left the room staring down the long hallway that led me outside.

Once Phil exited the room I went over to Dan his eyes opening slightly.

"Mommy"

"Yes darling."

"Mom... I'm pregnant"

I stared at him in confusion, unsure of what to think as his eyes began to close again as he fell back into a deep sleep. suddenly my questions were answered as I remembered the day Dan was born. I remembered the doctors telling me about Dan's condition and how he was born with a uterus as they explained a carrier to us. We chose to keep it a secret from Dan, but...but now I think he may have found out himself.

Phil arrived home finally being able to rest in the comfort of his own home. he made his way into their apartment, a wierd feeling of loneliness overcoming him as he didn't hear Dan's voice as he filmed a video or watch Tv. It was kinda odd for him to he to be the only one in the house. Walking to the kitchen Phil stopped as he felt pain in his forehead. Stopping as he rolled his eyes he pulled open the glass door that seperated him from the kitchen. He stood in front of the fridge as their Japanese toy welcomed him. He went for the bottle of water stopping as he caught sight of the alcohol . One drink wouldn't be bad right? Ignoring the water Phil took the alcohol closing the fridge door behind him as the toy wished him goodbye. Taking the whole bottle Phil left to the couch taking no time to start drinking.

**********************5:00am the next morning*****************

Dan stepped out of the oober hurrying to his apartment as he tried to ignore the cat calls his driver gave him. Taking his key he unlocked the door entering the apartment. Putting his things on the ground he turned around locking the door behind him. Dan felt arms wrap around his waist making him jump. "Hey baby"

Dan knew it was Phil. He knew. But something about Phil's voice didn't seem right. Twisting Dan around Phil shoved him a against the door latching his lips onto Dan's mouth as his hands traveled around his body. "Phil" Dan moaned, pleasure and uncertainty in his voice. He could taste the alcohol in Phil's mouth. Had he been drinking? Phil lifted Dan of his feet bringing him to the same couch he began his drinking on. Roughly latching onto Dan's pants he began to pull them down.

"Phil stop" Dan tried to push Phil off of him but to no avail. Phil was intoxicated and he could tell. "Babe what's wrong" Phil said his words slurring. "Phil please get off of me"

"Why Dan I thought you liked this" Phil tightened his grip on Dan's underwear slowly pulling it down.

"Phil please stop"

Phil made no sign as to stop and as he prepared to enter Dan, Dan gave a final attempt.

"Phil I'm pregnant"

*silence* Phil stopped as he stared blankly. Then suddenly he moved hastily, jumping of the couch and grabbing his clothes. "You disgusting, freak" Phil shouted as Dan cowered on the couch in fear , shaking in terror. "I hate you. Do you know how worried I was about you. You don't deserve to be loved dan. You were my best friend but all you did was ruin my life. You're just a disgusting freak that shouldn't exist". "How could you not have told me You were a carrier, you worthless shit. You were supposed to be my best friend. Get out of my house. I never want to see your disgusting face anywhere near me."

Dan sat there still in shock. He wanted to fight back. But he couldn't.

"I said GET OUT" Dan saw as Phil picked up the closest thing to him, a glass bottle. Knowing what was coming next Dan hurried of the couch protecting his belly. Dan grabbed a long sweatshirt from the ground throwing it on leaving the apartment. The only things he held where his phone, wallet and a silver diamond encrusted locket around his neck.

Picking up his phone Dan dialed his mom as he walked.

"Mom help me".

To be continued...

I still feel as if there isn't alot of detaills.


	2. Photograph

"Grandma"

Opening the backdoor of the car I unbuckled Ashton's car seat, helping them out before they were long gone from my arms. I chuckled as I watched my 3 year old child run to my mother. It was beautiful to see. never would I in a billion years expect to be standing here watching my baby, my own created baby as they grasped my mom's hand. It was still something that quite surprised me. But I was happy. Because I couldn't love them anymore than I do now.

"Hurry up daddy"

"Be there in a sec sweetie"

Closing the car door I made my way to the trunk, the pop alerting me it was now open.

"Happy birthday son" mom said as she made her way to me, giving me a side hug."Actually Dan, leave most of the stuff in the trunk. Where going to a party the lesters are having." I paused my previous action, my muscles suddenly becoming tense from the familiar name, my breath hitching from fear.

I turned to my mother who was holding Ashton in her arms, a calm look on her face.

How could she be calm in this situation. She just told me we were going to my ex's parent's house. The same ex I thought was my best friend, the ex I loved, the same ex who left me when I was pregnant and scared. Calm was definitely not the emotion I was feeling right now. I really did not want to be in the presence of ph-, him.

"Mom the lesters. You know why I can't go there" I said closing the trunk, refusing to make eye contact with her. "Dan darling come on. It's been 5 years. It's about time you start reconnecting with them or at least show up in their presence. He won't be there if that's what you're worried about dan." She said, her voice softening at the last sentence.

I focused my attention on my feet, tears threatening to spill. I really was scared. Being reminded of the pain, fear and heartbreak I went through when Phil left. It was terrible. I spent 18 years of my life without a best friend. And then I found him. I found Phil. And he made me happy. He was the only thing that could at that time. I know I shouldn't love him anymore and that I should despise him. But I couldn't. I could not ever stop loving him, even from the night where he kicked me out. Leaving me stranded on the dark, cold,wet, streets. Even when he said all those terrible things. I was still attached to him. I gave him part of me and left it there. And he continues to carry all my love. I couldn't fall in with love anyone after him. And I couldn't even love myself.

"Daddy"

The sound of my sobs began to fill my ears as I took notice of my surroundings. Lifting my head I smiled at Ashton taking her from my mother's arms.

"Lets go then" I say putting on a fake smile as Ashton wiped away my tears with her small hand.

"Don't cry daddy"

"I won't. I promise"

#########Phil's pov###########

Standing in front of me was the door of my old house. This place held a lot of Memories from when I was younger. It felt kinda wierd being here, now 28. The outside was decorated with streamers and balloons and a 'happy birthday' banner. I had no idea who's birthday it was, and my mom didn't mention their being a party when I came back. My grip on my suitcase tightened as I pushed the doorbell, the familiar sound filling my ears.

"Phillip" Martyn my older brother said as he tackled me with a hug.

"Martyn don't call me that"

"sorry I just missed you mate. Come in" taking my suitcases from me Martyn and I entered the house, my eyes scanning the new and old items.

"Who's the birthday banner for"

Out of the corner of my eye I saw him tense before relaxing again.

"Where having a birthday party for a friend of ours. You should join in on the party"

"Na I think I'll just stick to my room. Being social isn't my thing."

"Whatever you say little brother" he said ruffling my hair as he passed me.

After fixing my fringe I made my way to the table standing in the corner of the room that held our old pictures. I grimaced at the pictures laughing at how adorable and wierd they all looked. I took one specific picture in hand, the old clay frame with cute little characters bordering it as my eyes locked on the picture.

A

smile spread on my lips. It's been a while. So many memories and so much more to make. Moving over to the last picture I saw on the desk, holding it delicately in my hand I observed it. It was a odd one out. It seemed very new and up-to-date compared to the other pictures on the table. It held a smiling baby similar to the other pictures but I couldn't recognize who it was. Flipping the delicate picture over I stared at the back which held the date . October 29 2012 (author: you had no idea how badly I wanted to make it October 19 instead of 29)

That was only 3 years ago. Why would my family have a 3 year old baby. Placing the image back I went to my old room putting my suspicion behind me.

################dan pov############

The sky was growing slightly darker as I drove down the long road, the sound of Ashton's batting feet being the only thing to distract me from my anxiety as I cast glances at her in the rearview mirror to check that she's okay.

My mom continued to talk asking questions about how I've been and if I made any friends. I felt like a little kid. But she was right. After Phil left I didn't really have any friends. J just had myself and my baby.

"Oh. We're here." Mom said jumping excitedly in her seat causing me to laugh. It was a casual neighborhood. Many trees and houses littering the area. But I remembered it all from the Times I've been here with Phil. Once I was finally parked as I tried to find space in the liter of cars there for the party, I made my way out unbuckling Ashton from her carseat and lifting her into my arms, taking a few of her things with her. Locking the car door I made my way to the doorstep glancing at the decorations around the yard.

"They did this for you"mom said smiling.

"Ok maybe they're not that bad"

"You should trust me more often"

I stuck my tongue out at her as we laughed.

The door opened revealing Phil's mum.

"Hello. Come in you guys must be freezing."

Stepping inside I placed sleepy Ashton on the couch.

"Dan it so nice to see you again" Phil's mum as she embraced me after my mom.

"It's nice to see you too" I said returning the embrace.

"Oh and this little one has grown so much" she said smiling at the half asleep child

"Well the party'll begin in a few minutes so you can just relax and hang around till then."

"Ok thank you" she left with my mum as they began to chat. Sitting down next to Ashton I took out her blanket gently cradling her body. I've come to learn that she had a pattern of being completely hyper then she would be fast asleep. What did I do to deserve such a beautiful baby girl.

"Hey dan." I looked up to see martyn Phil's older brother making his way down.

"Hey Martyn"

############Phil pov###############

Pj:" so hows the trip"

Phil:" boring so far. I've been stuck In my room for hours cause their having a birthday party for some friend

Pj:"aww you poor thing. We both know how socially awkward you are. At least join the party a Little, you deserve to have fun"

Phil: "but-"

Pj: "no buts phillip there'll be cake. Do you really want to skip CAKE"

Phil: "ok peej, I'll try my best. But no promises."

Pj: "that's what I wanna hear. Talk to you later Phil."

Phil: "later peej"

Hanging up I flopped onto the bed, my phone bouncing as it hit the soft matress. I took into consideration what pj said. I honestly didn't want to go down there and have to communicate with strangers. The thought just scared the heck out of me. I'm tired of being asked stupid questions like how I've been or hows life because everytime it's just gonna be answered with fine. I didn't want to pretend like I'm fine when I honestly wasn't. Parties are just not my thing. Putting on my headphones, I drowned out my thoughts, my muscles relaxing as I absorbed the lyrics.

"Phil"

"Yeah" removing my headphones I turned to face my brother who was standing at the doorway.

"Are you gonna come down for the party." He said a happy tone set in his voice

"Yeah. Just give me a minute"

"Alright, don't take too long."

The door closed leaving me to my silence. I could hear his footsteps, as he went down the stairs. From what I could tell he was talking to someone. the voice was slightly familiar but not in this household, most likely one of the visitors. I creeped out the door sitting closer to the steps to hear better

"You having a good birthday mate"

"Yeah it's great. It's really nice of you and your family to do this for me."

"No problem, you're like family to us"

"Thank you martyn. That means alot"

"You're welcome dan"

My breath hitched as a small gasp escaped my mouth.

Daniel Howell was here

 **please tell me what you think. I'm still thinking I don't use enough details.**


	3. Steps

"Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear Daniel. Happy birthday to you"

Dan inwardly groaned as they finished the song, the amount of awkwardness and cringe being too much. As much as he hated to admit it, he was enjoying the party. Everyone was pretty nice and welcoming. But at the same time he felt quite lonely as if there was no one who he could talk to. Ashton who was his only distraction was inside playing with Martyn. He was truly alone. After blowing out the candles everyone began to party as the music played and the drinks came out. He wasn't exactly planning on getting drunk-not that he couldn't as his mom decided to be the one to drive, but he just wasn't the drink till you drop type. Taking the distractions as a chance to escape, dan made his way to the furthermost corner of the building. He slid his back down the wall, the rough texture scratching at his clothing. It was about 7:00 pm, and the skies were pretty dark for a summer evening. The sound of crumbling rocks brought his attention away from the sky as he observed the dark silhouette standing not far away from him, but far enough to be from earshot. They were by themselves just like him. If it wasn't for his awkwardness he would have tried to make contact with the person. He could see some details such as what they were wearing- a red plaid shirt with black skinny jeans, but he couldn't tell their facial features or hair. Honestly dan didn't know why he was so intrigued with the person. There's nothing special about a random guy just leaning against a wall. If only he could think that. The fine contrast of the moonlight on the man's body was appealing. Blushing at the thought dan looked away, deciding to join Martyn inside as he left his spot on the ground. And he swore he could see the figure turning briefly to look at him, just as he left.

Phil pov

My back was lying against the soft exterior of my mattress as my eyes scanned the ceiling in wonder. Was it really Dan that I'd heard. Maybe it was a different dan. But the voice was so familiar. After Dan left I was broken. I regretted every word. I was drunk, I couldn't think right. It's like all my anger and worry consumed me and left me possessed. And waking up alone the next morning was the hardest thing to do. I felt so alone. It was like I was being attacked. Most of my weeks were spent crying, eventually pj and Chris had to come over to take care of me. It was horrible. But...Dan said he was pregnant. When he told me I still freaked out, even if I didn't honestly fully understand did he do with the baby? Did he abort it, give it up, or kept them. The first two options didn't sound like something Dan would do. Then I remembered the picture of the baby I saw a few hours ago. October 29 2012. 9 months after Dan and I broke up. Today was June 11. Dan's birthday.

"I... I have a baby"

I've never actually thought about the fact that this was our baby. And Dan, I left him all alone throughout his whole pregnancy. What if he needed me. I wasn't there for him. I've left him. And now he's here at my house 5 years later. Well I have to talk to him, but I'm scared. Of course he won't want to see me. But I missed him. And this party, it was all for Dan. Neither my parents or martyn told me about this. Did they set this up? A million thoughts in my head were interrupted as the familiar ding sound filled the quiet room. Flipping it over I checked the screen.

Pj: remember you promised

I chuckled at the screen, glad my friend was looking out for me but still annoyed with the situation. Taking my worn out shoes and placing them over my pizza socks, I left the room, trying to muster up confidence that I knew wouldn't last. My feet rocked against the wooden stairs where I eavsdropped recently, my black fringe rested on my forehead, my red plaid button up caressing my skin, my usual black skinny jeans accompanying it. I could hear laughter down the steps, one of a little girls the other being my brother. Once I've reached the bottom of the stairs I looked over to my right where i saw them. The child had brown hair that cascaded down in small waves, and skin of a light tan, a small blue dress framing her tiny body. She was a beautiful toddler. I wonder who she belonged to? I made a bee line to the door eager but terrified to spot the face of the man I was looking for. I searched around but the crowd was too large and no one knew where he disappeared to. I was starting to loose hope. When this party is over everyone will leave, including dan. This could be my last chance and I was about to waste it by giving up. But it felt impossible. The brown mop of hair wasn't anywhere. Finally deciding to give up I made my way to a corner of the house where no one could see me. My feet crunched against the rough rocks of my yard. The wind was starting to pick up, the air getting colder each second. I could see another silhouette not too far away, as they shivered in agony. I wish I could help them, too bad I'm freaking scared of any social interaction. But somehow it felt peaceful, as if we understood each other, creeping away from the crowd and hiding where no one could see. They looked amazing from what I could see. The wind rushing through their hair, their grey jumper shaking in the wind. They reminded me of dan, just as beautiful and delicate. They began to leave and I couldn't help but feel lonely again. Maybe it was time for me to head inside too. Taking the other way around I entered the house, the warmth engulfing me. I went to the living room where Martyn and the child were still sat.

They were colouring from what I could see. That's martyn for ya, you could never keep him away from a child.

"Hey philly do you want to join?" martyn said laughing at the expression on my face.

"Sure" it was alot better than moping in my room for the rest of the day. Was it?

Taking a seat next to Martyn I observed all the crafts they made, crayons and paper littering the area. She was colouring a lion. "That's a pretty lion. Is it your favourite animal?" I asked. She looked up at me her blue eyes shining. They reminded me of mine. "Yep. Lions are the best" she looked so enthusiastic, jumping around with a smile that went from ear to ear. She was so adorable. I wish she was my daughter.

Dan pov

I entered through the back door, the warmth caressing my body. I could hear Ashton's and martyn's voice...along with another slightly familiar voice. I walked closer to the room, a mop of dark hair peaking over the couch as laughter filled the room. Before I could get any closer a girl appeared in front of me. She was a few inches shorter than me but tall enough to block my view.

"You're Dan right" she asked.

"Yeah, how May I help you?"

I tried to be as polite as I could even though I really just wanted her to get out of my way

"Well you can help me by taking me back to your place." she suddenly came closer to me. Too close for my liking. I felt her hand travel down my chest, eventually reaching the zipper of my jeans as she slowly pulled them down. Ok this girl was pretty. She had flowing brunette hair and a tiny frame, possibly to tiny for her supposed age, and makeup that caked her face. I'm sure some other guy might like her but she wasn't my type. I only like guys. Smacking her hand away in disgust, I passed by her to get to the living room before pulling my zip back up, smirking as the shock spread across her face. When I got there it was only Ashton and martyn, no mop of black hair. Had I imagined it?And if I did why would I? For some reason I felt sad that whoever it was, was gone. I ignored my thoughts and went to sit by them, ruffling Ashton's hair as she giggled.

"Daddy stop it"

I lifted her up placing her on the couch as I began to tickle her, laughter filling the air. I loved moments like these.

############time skip###########

The time on my phone read 10:30. We've been here for a few hours. Everyone else had left, the household only containing the Lester family along with me, my mom and Ashton.

We were hanging around chatting when thunder erupted from outside, rain coming down not long after. Ashton screamed in fear. Aww my poor darling,she was always scared of thunderstorms. I excused myself from my conversation making my way over to Ashton who was on the verge of tears as she shook, holding her teddy bear close.

"Come here sweetie" I said softly, taking her into my arms as she rested her head on my chest, slowly rocking her until she was no longer tense. She was so calm and delicate when she was asleep. Her lips were slightly parted as she breathed softly, her tear stained face already drying as she fell back to sleep. I took her into the kitchen just in time to hear my mom's conversation.

"Oh the bloody wind's blowing quite hard. I think you should all stay overnight, I don't think I'd be able to think straight knowing you were all out in the storm."

"Thank you Sara. I was quite worried we'd have to drive through that thing."

"No problem. I'll have martyn show you where you'll all be staying." I sat on the wooden stool as I cradled Ashton in my arms.

"Martyn could you come down here"

I heard footsteps as they walked down the creaky stairs.

"Could you show Dan to his room while I show Felicia to hers."

"Sure. Let's go"

I stood taking Ashton's things in my free hand. The rain was still hitting pretty hard outside, along with a few thunder rolls causing Ash to turn in her sleep. Even with barely doing anything at the party I was still tired. A yawn escaped my mouth as I shook the mess of curls from my vision.

"This is it...and the bathrooms over there." He said opening the door to the first guest room.

"Thanks martyn" I said making my way inside.

"Your welcome danny" I laughed at the nickname as he left.

I lightly placed Ash on the bed taking her pj's from our bag, being careful not to wake her as I changed her. I changed into my sweatpants and t shirt before shutting of the lights. It didn't take long before my eyes finally shut as I held Ashton close.

################12:00am############

Phil pov

I stared at ceiling my mind drowned in thoughts. I haven't really been able to sleep. But I just couldn't focus enough on something as simple as closing my eyes and falling asleep. He was on my mind again. And I can't help but think that that party was my only chance of ever seeing him again. I didn't even try that hard look for him. Was I just really that pathetic. I heard his voice. The voice that I missed so much. The voice I would bloody get shouted at just so I could hear it. I was craving just to be next to him, to hug him, to kiss him. I needed Dan.

Maybe some water will help me sleep, or just get me to stop thinking.

Lifting the silky sheet of my skin as my feet touch the cold floor, the thunder and lightning making me jolt. I looked to my left taking lion, my stuffed animal with me as I lightly stepped out of the room, descending the stair case. I shivered as the cold caused goosebumps to rise on my skin, the pitter patter of rain and the occasional thunder filling the silence. Water or hot chocolate? The water was healthier soooo hot chocolate. Pausing my actions I looked to the staircase to see small feet descending the stairs. It was the little girl from before. Was she spending the night? I watched as she went to the couch, playing with toys on the coffee table. I left the supplies on the counter, leaving to check if she was ok. I sat next to her as I observed her gameplay. "Hey. What's your name" I said moving to the floor to try and make my height less menacing

"Ash" she said proudly doing a goofy smile. I chuckled at her watching as she did a little dance. "Well why are you awake so early ash"

"I wanted to play games" she said hugging a stuffed dinosaur.

"Will you play knights and princesses with me?" I thought about the fact that her parents probably wanted her asleep at the moment but ignored it when I saw the puppy dog eyes she gave me.

"I'll definitely play knights and princesses with you" I said smiling happily as I watched her bounce around.

#######10 min later dan pov############

I gasped as I opened my eyes, breathing heavily as I felt sweat run down my forehead. I looked to my side to check that Ashton was still asleep. But she wasn't there...

Fear struck me as I shot out of bed not caring about the cold air that hit my skin. What if I lost her? She is my child, my responsibility...she's my baby girl. Scenarios played out in my head as I rushed down the stairs, stopping in front of the living room. My breathing paused as I felt like the air was knocked out of me. She was there but...but so was Phil Lester.

"Daddy"

"Hey sweetie" I said to her my eyes still focused on Phil, his on mine. I observed him, a pink princess hat placed on his head while he was wearing a pink tutu. He looked shocked, why wouldn't he be. Why was my daughter holding a plastic sword? "Daddy do you want to be a princess."

"Sweetie actually I think we should be going to bed" I said breaking eye contact with Phil my face turning red. "Please daddy."

"No I'm sorry"

"Yeah come on just play some games with us. You can be the the queen" Phil said smiling. What was he doing? "I'll do it for you Ash" I said smiling at my daughter.

"Sit next to phwill" great. Just great. I sat as far away from him as I could, glaring at him as I passed. He took a princess hat from the box placing it on my head gently while he stared into my eyes as ash began the game. I stared at ash hoping to distract myself from Phil. Every minute or so he would look over to me hoping I would talk to him. But I won't. I don't think I can. His hair was a lot shorter now, kinda like mine. Very different from 5 years ago. Other than that everything else seemed about the same. And I feared my love for him was just as strong if not stronger than it was before.

##########time skip#############

I spun ash in my arms as her giggles filled the room. Placing her back on the floor, I sat next to Phil. I turned to face him as he gave me a small smile. "Try to tire her out so I can put her to bed" I said, glaring down at him. His smile faltered making me feel guilty as he stood and left the couch nodding to me as he held her hand. "May I have this dance knight ash" he bowed to her a smile creeping back onto his face. "You may" he danced around the room with her, adding in the occasional silly dance. It was cute to see them like this. This is how it should've been. Him, me and ash just living like a normal odd family. And eventually I couldn't help the small smile that creeped onto my face. He gave her one last twirl before scoping her into his arms. Her head layed sleepily onto his chest as he rocked her slowly, till the room was completely silent. "Can I put her to bed" Phil asked, his eyes filled with hope. "Sure" he smiled excitedly as a small chuckle escaped my mouth. I went to take the princess hat - which he seemed to have forgotten, of his head causing him to blush. "Let's go" I said smirking as I led him to the room we were staying in. Switching the light on I watch as he carefully placed her onto the bed, gently placing a blanket over her, and a tiny stuffed lion by her side. The same one I gave him. He still had it. I could tell he cared about her. I mean he probably knows by now that she's also his child. He stood by her side as he held one of her tiny hands.

"She's beautiful" he said.

"She is" he gently placed her hand back down looking over to me.

"Can we talk?"Phil asked, his voice barely above a whisper.

"About what" I knew what he wanted to talk about, I just didn't want to acknowledge it.

" everything or anything" he said, a sigh escaping his mouth

"She's our daughter right" he asked, more of a statement.

I chuckled finding nothing funny in this situation except his incompetence.

"Yeah"

"Do you hate me"

"I'm only getting there" I said as bitterly as I could.

The thunder clapped as if sensing the tension between us.

"Dan" I looked over at him, realizing that's the first time he's said my name this whole time. My glare toned down as I saw his tear streaked face. If only you knew how many times I've cried since you left.

"I'm sorry. I'm truly and utterly sorry"

I wanted to feel bad for him, but I couldn't. I just really couldn't.

"Will you give me a second chance to explain everything." By now his face was drowning in tears, his cheeks puffy and eyes red. "I think our daughter will do better without you"

I said.

"Goodnight Phil"

And with that I let him out the door, shutting it behind him. And the thunder and lightning joined to create a storm.

To be continued...


	4. Shiver

**This chapter was inspired by the song shiver by Lucy rose and car radio by t.o.p**

"Bye everyone. Thanks for the party"

I waved goodbye to the lesters as we made our way to the car, Ashton in my arms as I held her. The storm was finally gone and we were able to leave after conversing with everyone. Luckily I didn't see Phil and was able to make it out without any conflict with him. When I first saw him at the bottom of the steps I was mortified but at the Same time I wanted to run into his arms. Honestly ignoring him was pretty hard. It felt like taking a needle and thread and sewing my mouth shut, preventing me from saying anything but at the same time I couldn't breathe. All of that pain and suffering, crimson metallic blood dripping down my lips onto the pale thin skin of my hand. All just to make him leave.

Opening the backdoor I buckled Ash into her removable car seat, making sure she was lightly covered with her blanket before moving to the passenger seat. The slight thud of the door awakening my senses. The car was silent. Someone had long ago stole my car radio. I never tried to fix it.

Car rides were a pain yet a relief. If that made any sense. I was confined in a small space and everything was quite. But my thoughts always overtook that silence and make my mind into an area of violence. I was hoping finally leaving the Lester household would help me to stop thinking about Phil but it only made it worse. I tried so hard to hide my emotions are what I was thinking from those around me. I couldn't pull them into this deep dark abyss of my mind. My pride left me since I first started school. The only thing I learnt there was that others don't always want you to be happy. I admired the way

Phil would look at me. It brought my pride back sometimes. Made me feel loved. I felt like a beautiful flower, but I was cut from the ground and I lost my life support. And now I'm supposed to sit in a pretty vase as I slowly wither away to death.

Phil though, he cared for his plants. He wouldn't make me melt away my emotions. He held me, he took care of me. I was his plant and he was my sunshine. He kept me bright for a while. But one day it turned to night and I never saw the sun again. Everything was dark. The lines under my eyes would grow darker everyday. I miss the way he made me feel when we were alone. But last night.

I was right next to him. Even with my lips sewn close and my trembling figure. I felt love.

Just for a moment it felt like what it used to be if not better. My-our baby in his arms as we were dressed in pink princess hats and Tutus playing knights and princesses. It was amazing.

The guilt was starting to fill in. I took every moment I had just to make him feel bad. And that was terrible of me. He just wanted to talk. The least I could do was give him some more information, explain everything. But I didn't. And that's terrible of me.

Just utterly terrible

########time skip#########

It was not long before I arrived home, my mom already dropped of at her house.

Ash was layed in bed watching her favourite kids show leaving me with time to think.

In my hands were a precious object. It's outer layer smooth and bright with silky ribbons adorning it's frame. But I had no idea what was inside. It was a mystery that I craved to figure out. But I was slightly scared to find out what was held in the medium sized box. My mom has given it to me saying 'it was from Phil'. That the reason I didn't see him earlier that morning was because he had gone shopping after our 'moment' and he spent most of his time searching for a gift to get me. And when he came back he gave it to my mom to give to me and went back to bed. From what my mom told me that's what had happened. And it made me happy that he would do such an act for me. My thump brushed across the paper label that read

For: dan

Love: Phil

It was really sweet of him to put all that effort into this. I took of the paper label placing it somewhere I couldn't loose it. I lightly pulled at the glistening wrapping paper feeling like a kid on Christmas day. I lifted the cardboard flaps staring at the objects inside.

I took the letter first warily opening the light paper.

Dear dan,

I know you probably hate me and all and I'm sorry...but I hope we can make up some day. I hope you had a great birthday party and I wish that I could've hung out with you more.

And I hope ash the lion princess had a good time too.

So with that

Happy birthday dannyboy

Sincerely,Phil the lion king

I smiled as I read along, giggling at the names he used. Yeah he definitely didn't change that much. I placed the card on the coffee table, observing the contents inside.

Their was an adorable llama hat sitting at the bottom along with a goofy Polaroid we took years back. This was all so amazing. I secretly hoped that we would be what we knew before, but after all of what happened would it even be real.

Phil pov

I secretly hoped that we would be what we knew before, but after all of what happened would it even be real.

 **Ok so this was probably my shortest chapter yet buy I dealt with some family issues yesterday that really affected me. I hope you can understand. But don't worry I'll upload the second part to this chapter sometime soon, maybe tomorrow and even get some of Phil's pov hopefully. And I also want to say thank you to the guest Lauren because they really give me motivation to write so thank you for that.**


	5. Shiver part 2

I focused on the ceiling above me, hoping each crack and crevice would distract me from the thoughts that were begging to bombard into my mind. Their need to take over hitting me in every emotional aspect it possibly could. I was dead tired but I couldn't fall back asleep. I knew falling asleep meant letting my mind wander and their would be no way to stop it. My muscles were all tense, almost as if frozen in place. My fingers would dig into the fabric of my clothing till the point my knuckles were red, and weak as they twitched. I felt like I had no control over my body. My mind could only be stopped for mere seconds before it began to wonder into an abyss of pure imagination. That place held all my hopes and dreams. They were just imagination. Things that could never possibly happen,

But only become a safe place from the actual world. And when you left was the moment of realization that your life wasn't perfect. Of course it wasn't.

"Phil could you get the door"

"Sure mom"

When did the doorbell ring? Have I really been that caught up in my own thoughts?

I quickly left my room my feet padding softly on the steps.

It was probably just the mailman, delivering on a different schedule than they're supposed to.

I unlocked the front door, my breath hitching when I saw who was stood at my doorstep.

"Hey"

"Hi Dan. Would you like to come in?"

"Yeah. Thanks"

Nothing could describe the emotions that went through me as I watched dan enter through the door of my household. But all I knew is that I really didn't care, I'm just happy to see him.

The room was silent, neither of us knowing who was to speak first.

Dan cleared his throat, breaking the silence before he began to speak.

"Uhmm Ash accidentally took this when we left. Sorry about that."

Dan handed me the stuffed lion plushie, a small giggle escaping his lips.

"It's okay. I can tell she loves lions." I smiled at him, happy when he returned it.

"Where is she anyway" she wasn't with him when he entered.

"My bestfriend's babysitting her while I'm gone."

I felt slightly hurt that he had another best friend, even if I shouldn't be. I missed when that title belonged to me, heck I missed when we were more than just bestfriends. I wanted Dan back. He's all I've ever wanted but I don't want to hurt him. I would never be able to forgive myself if I caused him pain again. I felt his arms embrace me as a gasp escaped my mouth. Dan hated me, or at least he was supposed to. But he was hugging me. It felt unreal , imaginative even. As if it were a figment of my fake world where everything was perfect. But I didn't need any of that, cause none of that was real. This was. And I would do anything to make this last forever.

I wrapped my hands around his waist pulling him closer. His head was nuzzled in the crook of my neck, his breathing light as he lightly held onto the fabric of my shirt.

"Thank you for the gift Phil, that was really sweet of you. I hope you know it means alot to me."

I felt his grip loosen, his warmth suddenly leaving me. It didn't take long before the cold attacked my skin, removing any previous warmth as goosebumps began to litter my body. I felt safe in his arms. But once they left I felt bare, open to any attack.

"No problem Dan. You deserved it"

He goofily smiled at me, the dimples I missed so much appearing on his face.

"So I was thinking about what you said last night and... let's talk I guess. If you still want to." dan said all seriousness reappearing back into the atmosphere.

"Are you sure your comfortable with this Dan? I don't want to force you into thinking you have to and its completely fi-"

"Phil. It's okay. I'm ready"

"Ok. Let's go to the park, it's probably more quiet there than here."

We both exited the house after I informed my mom I was leaving. The park was quite close so we decided to walk. We were side by side, the only sound in the air being the quite crunch of rocks under our feet. It was quite tense again. I'm pretty sure neither of us were prepared to talk about everything. It was still hard to take in the fact that after five years apart from each other, we were now standing a mere few inches apart walking down the pavement of my old neighborhood. I'm happy that it happened, for whatever reason. As long as I have him here with me. I looked over at him, staring at his brown hair that was slightly curled as it blew in the soft wind, and how his skin was flushed pink from the cold air. I took of my jumper, hoping my t shirt would be enough to keep me warm. I took Dan's hand, gently pulling him closer to me as we stopped.

"What are you doing" he said softly, shivering slightly from the cold.

"Arms up"

He obliged, lifting his arms, as I put the sleeves onto them, pulling the jumper down onto his body.

"What about you" he asked, the jumper slightly oversized on his body,giving him sweater paws.

"Don't worry about me, I'm used to the northern cold." I could tell he was worried by his facial expressions but smiled to reassure him I was fine.

"If you say so"

We finally arrived at the park, flowers littering the area. The grass stood tall, reaching our knees. It was more of a meadow than a park.

"Awe I remember this place. We made so many memories here. " dan ran ahead of me gushing as he observed the area.

"Yeah. This is where we had our third date. It's been a long time"

I visited this park a few times after we broke up and everything always seemed the same. A once amazing place became dull and dark for me. But now I felt like I was seeing colors I've never seen before. My eyes took in the aura of life that I was never able to notice. They hit me with full power. The golden haze of the sun pressing against the green grass. We could easily agree that neither of us were 'outside' people, but this was nothing short of amazing. It was beautiful...but I realized it was possible for something to be more beautiful when I saw the brown haired boy, spinning in circles as he giggled.

'Too long. Definitely too long.' I thought to myself.

We sat on a nearby bench, peaceful silence taking over us.

"I don't know where to start"

"Neither do I"

The wind was gentle but the air was tense, and the sun casted shadows to show the dark, even in the brightest of things.

 **Oh yes. We will finally see what actually happened after Phil left the hospital and the full story of that. So the next chapter will be up soon also, my schedule is all messed up. I guess I'll update in a day or two so look out for that. Bye bye.**


	6. Bottles

####5 years ago. Hospital flashback######### part 1

"Goodnight"

I Waved goodbye to the receptionist as I slowly exited the tall building, the air cold and timid as tiny raindrops fell onto my exposed skin, goosebumps leaving a tingling feeling on my body. I had said goodbye to Dan only a few minutes ago but loneliness was already overcoming me.

The dark of night mocked me as my trembling body entered my car, tears threatening to spill. I didn't want to think. I don't think I can. I knew if I did, that it would only cause scenarios to bombard into my mind, leaving me to wither and breakdown. But was it really an option.

I slowly pulled out of the parking lot, trying not to let my eyes wander over to the building that held my boyfriend. It was late in the night about 10:30. The road was partially clear, leaving my surroundings quiet, no distraction that would hopefully stop my mind from wandering. Turning the radio on, my fingers connecting with cool metal, shocking them from their numbness. The air filled with the soft sound of music, flowing through the air in small waves, as if lightly caressing my airs.

'Tell me that you turned down the man, who asked for your hand, cause your waiting for me'

Distractions

My black framed glasses stood lightly on my face, holding onto my skin.

Distractions

The moon was quite bright tonight. I wonder if there is anyone on it right now?

Distractions

I slowly entered the driveway, parking the car as my muscles relaxed slightly.

I opened the car door, the cold air flooding in. The music stopped, disappearing from the air. I closed the door, making my way over to the entrance of the complex. My feet would drag against the floor, making no effort to arrive quickly. I climbed the stairs finally reaching our apartment door, key in hand. I heard the click of the door, but I didn't enter immediately. I was slightly scared. I knew opening this door meant admitting to myself that dan wasn't here with me. I knew I would be officially alone. Loneliness was something I was used to. He was always here, he's supposed to be. But- he, he isn't. And that scared me. I pushed the door open, my footsteps echoing in the silence of the room.

I placed my coat on the coat rack, My hair messy and slightly wet along with my clothes.

I went to the kitchen, opening the fridge. The bottle of water stood affirmatively, as if screaming at me to take it. But I couldn't. I needed a distraction.

I needed to not think about him. I couldn't.

I ignored the water, my hand reaching for the alcohol,cold and firm as it sat in my hand.

"Distract me"

I sat on the floor of the living room, my thoughts slowly slipping away as I sipped from the bottle. My throat burned, and my mind was fuzzy along with the feeling of numbness in my limbs. My vision was a mess, everything now moved in waves, just like the music, my thoughts, the wind. It didn't stop at 1 bottle. It continued on hours later. The slur of my words filling the silence. My body surrounded by numerous bottles. I felt like I was floating. My mind felt empty and my hands were full. I don't remember what I was trying to ignore. Which is good, it was best forgotten. I brought the bottle to my lips, and like that, my thoughts were drowned, sinking to nowhere. Only to be forgotten.

Distractions

############ few hours later#############

My back was pressed against the rough carpet as I lazily dazed at the ceiling.

Dan wasn't here

The thoughts. They were coming back. They were attacking me. Hitting me. And God damn, it hurt.

My boyfriend, my love is in the hospital. The doctors haven't told me what was going on with him. I was worried I could tell you that. What if he was in pain? What if something happens to him? What if I loose my Dan forever? What if. What if.

My questions were answered as I heard the click of the door, signaling Dan was here.

I slowly stood, my limbs shaking and my vision blurry. I waited excitedly as he opened the door, pinning him to the wall when he entered.

And...and then

I lost it. My mind was gone. I let the alcohol take over. Maybe it was better that way.

#########present time#######

"Well you know what happened. I'm really sorry I forced myself onto you. That was terrible of me to do. I hope you can forgive me someday."

I stared at dan who was still focused on the ground.

"Someday...just not today."

"Friends"

"Yeah friends"

We smiled at each other, taking in the moment. I was grateful to be next to Dan, I cared about him. I want the best for him, always.

"So About ash. I was hoping that maybe...maybe I could start to play more of a role as her father."

"Phil. I don't know-"

"Dan please. I care about her. I know I haven't exactly been the best dad, or have been the best boyfriend. But I want to have a part in her life, for her to grow up having both her parents. I want to see her grow up and be at all her birthday parties, and see her walk down the isle. I truly want to become a better father to her. We don't have to date and..and you'll rarely have to see me- if you want that. I just need to be able to take care of our daughter."

I watched as he pondered, reluctant and tired eyes staring back at me.

"I guess I'll give it a try. But I think it's best we stay away from each other otherwise"

I half heartedly smiled at him. I felt alone again. He was right next to me, he was here, he was my safety, but my safety could sometimes be what hurts me.

"Ok. That great" I guess

The silence surrounded us. Frozen in place. The sun had already set, the air getting colder than it was before, but I think we were both far more concerned with the tension that stood at our throats preventing us from talking. Dan's phone buzzed, unsettling the silence around us.

"It's my friend, I have to go."

Dan continued to take the jumper off his body, his shirt riding up to show his belly, small stretch marks littering his skin.

He handed the jumper to me as he stood from the small bench.

"Wait, when will I see you again. Dan... Dan"

"Sorry Phil... I have to go, umm ash probably needs me"

" but...but"

"I have to go"

He quickly left, leaving me on the wooden bench, alone in the dark.

"Text me tomorrow, I guess"

I whispered to no one in particular, fiddling my thumbs. I had a lot on my mind, things I still wanted to say, things I wanted to ask. Nothing was really solved, just more tension. Yeah that's what it was. I stayed at the bench for at least an hour more. I didn't want to leave, I never wanted to. I'll stay at this bench, my hand holding tightly to the thick fabric of the jumper, and I'll soak in the cold. Cause I might be spending more of my life cold and alone.

Dan pov

' And would you take away my hopes and dreams, and stay with me'

I hummed lightly as I drove down the road, on the way back to my home. I did get a text from Louise but it wasn't much of anything urgent. I just wanted an excuse to leave. I was confused definitely. I have this love for Phil I can't explain, but I'm too scared to ever actually show that love. I understand why he did what he did before but I don't think I could get over something like that so easily. I left him alone, again. The only difference is this time, he wasn't trying to hurt me. He was trying to mend our family. But I ran. I left. I can't handle it. Yes he was what I came for. I needed to see him,but I'm too scared to accept him. I left him in the dark, because I was too scared to find out what was hidden. I knew part of it hid the most beautiful man I've ever seen, but I don't know how he feels. But this is not about us, not about me, it's about Ashton. I want her to be happy, no matter what it costs me. I want her to be happy.

Yay I managed to update, in your face procrastination. I rewrote the end of this chapter cause at first it was more happy. No happy for you. Ok I'll try not to rant, nobody got time for that. I guess the plot is going as I want it to but I just need to think of more filler chapters to fill in between the main events. And we'll also see part 2 of Phil's flashback. I'll definitely upload on Saturday, I hope maybe sooner.


	7. Latching onto you

Few days later

"Where are we going, Dada"

Ash was sat in the back of the car, kicking her legs as she stared out the window.

"Well, your going to the park sweetie. I won't be with you though, Phil's going to be there"

"Why"

I sighed, staring at her through the rearview mirror. She isn't old enough to understand everything yet, even though I want to tell her. She's still only 3, and I don't want her to have to go through too much.

"Umm, he and I don't really get along ash. But don't worry, I'll be back soon ok"

"Ok"

I pulled into the parking lot of the park, staring out at the area where I was supposed to meet Phil. It was a pretty average park, playsets adorning the area, green grass that covered every inch of ground, while across the street held a flower shop, cafe, library and a few other places.

Opening the back door I lifted ash out, setting her on the ground. I took her small hand in mine leading her over to the grassy area, kids of different ages running around.

"Phwil"

Ash let go of my hand as she ran to the all too familiar Phil.

"Hey ash. I missed you"

She jumped into his arms as he lifted her onto his shoulders.

I stood by the car, watching as they bonded. It was really cute, but, I mean...I just feel slightly left out. But they need there time together, I should probably stay out of it.

Phil pov

I watched as Dan turned back, preparing to leave. I wanted him to stay, but I know I don't have enough confidence left to actually go to him right now. I'm trying not to feel anything for him, and its working slightly I guess.

"Dada"

I jumped slightly as ash called out to him. He looked behind him, staring at ash before making eye contact with me. I waved to him, ash doing the same. We smiled at each other before he waved back to us, leaving in his car.

"Ok lion what do you want to do first"

"Swings"

She bounced excitedly, pointing to the set of green swings in the middle of the park

"To the swings we go"

#######few minutes later######dan pov

"Louise would it be a bad idea to spy on them"

I was sat on the living room couch as Louise and I watched, or tried to watch a movie.

I fumbled with the locket around my neck as I tried to calm my nerves.

"Dan come on. Let them bond, that's the first time they've properly met."

"I know but I'm worried. What if she starts to prefer Phil over me and decides to live with him. Or what if he looses her. What if they both get hurt. Louise, I, I can't loose either of them."

"Dan. Calm down. Deep breaths okay. Deep breaths. She's only known him for a few days, she will always love you and she will love Phil, you guys will figure it out. And I'm pretty sure you wouldn't have allowed her to go with him if you didn't trust him. I know you guys had trouble in the past but from what you've told me he's a pretty good guy. They'll be okay. Trust me."

"Ok. They'll be fine. They'll be fine" I whispered to myself in particular.

It's only been 20 minutes since I've gotten home and I've already managed to come up with multiple scenarios. I decided to call Louise over after the loneliness started to get to me, which ended up in me just ranting about my problems to her.

My phone dinged from the coffee table, alerting me of a new message.

Bringing the screen to my face, I grimaced. Phil had sent me a picture of him and ash with ice cream on their faces.

Yeah they'll be fine.

"That's a pretty necklace. Where'd you get it"

I looked down at the object in my other hand, observing every crevice in the silver lining.

"Oh umm, Phil gave it to me on our 1 year anniversary."

"Aww that's so cute. Do you still love him"

"I don't know anymore honestly. Maybe I do, but I don't want to just give it up so easily."

She pulled me in for a side hug as I kept my grip on the locket, imprints pressing into my hand.

"C'mon let's just eat popcorn. They'll have their fun, well have ours even if it's sad and lonely"

"Your married"

"Shut up"

I quickly snapped a picture of us, faces stuffed with popcorn before sending it to Phil.

Yeah, I guess I could pretend everything was okay between us, which leads to awkwardness but at least we wouldn't talk to each other as much. Even if I hated it, I have to share my life with another person who I'm not married to, whom I'm not dating, who I don't know..what exactly I feel for them that much anymore. We'll pretend. That's all we'll ever do. And nothing is what we'll always be.

#5 hours later#########

Phil pov

I held ash in my arms as she rested her head on my shoulder, her hazel hair covering her face. The sun was beginning to set, the sky being a mix of purple, pink and orange hues. Dan will be here in a few minutes to pick her up. It was honestly a good day. I got to bond with my daughter, and it was the most amazing experience. I missed out on her first years, but I will be here for her now. I don't ever want to have to be away from her, but dan, he won't agree with that. It's obvious that he doesn't really like me, and I have to get used to that, sadly. I've started to dream about it. A family. Me, dan, ash and another little baby. Possibly too much. It wasn't completely impossible but with our situation now, I don't think it will happen. After the night he ran again I guess I've just given up, so has he. We were giving up on each other, the only thing keeping us attached being Ashton. We don't know what we feel for each other, maybe slight hatred. But we both love Ashton a lot. And that will never change. She was our little puzzle piece, just what we were missing. The honk of a car horn filled the air, ducks scattering from the area. (An:Pewds is that you) . He's here. I walked towards the vehicle, as dan stood by the door frame.

"Hey."

"Hey"

"Oh wow you really got all that energy out of her" dan giggled as he stared at the sleeping body in my arms.

"Yeah. It took 5 hours, but I did it." I smiled remembering how I ended up heaving on the grass five minutes in.

"Well I guess we'll see you in a few days" dan said.I kissed ash lightly on the forehead before carefully giving her to Dan who set her in the car seat, covering her with a blanket.

"Actually, I was hoping maybe we could go to the cafe together sometime?"

"Umm, Phil , I don't-"

"No, not like that, it's not a date. I, I was just wondering if you wanted the three of us to go together, no date, just hanging out, simple hanging out people" I sighed looking at my feet out of embarrassment.

"Yeah. We'll see you tomorrow then" he said, a small smile on his lips.

"Ok. Tomorrow it is"

"See ya Phil"

"Bye dan"

I watched as he pulled out of the parking lot, waving before he Finally drove of. It reminded me of the last time he left. I guess this time ended on better terms, if you consider an awkward chat good. I called Martyn, having him pick me up, leaving the growing darkness.. everything's fine, it's not perfect, not great, just fine. And that's okay

Once Martin arrived I entered his van, the warmth of the car surrounding me.

"Hey mate. How was your day"

"It was actually pretty good, I had a lot of fun with ash...Why did you guys never tell me about her before"

He visibly tensed, his hands tightening on the wheel as he pulled out of the parking lot.

"I mean, Phil. You weren't exactly accepting, when dan told you about ash. You kicked him out when he was pregnant, those few years were hard for him. We just thought maybe it was best to keep you two away from each other for the safety of dan and the baby. Ash is my niece, I care about her too."

"Your right, I'm sorry"

He lightly patted my shoulder noticing my sad eyes.

"I know you never meant what you told him that day, Phil. You just have to show him that, then he'll forgive you."

"Ok. I'll try"

I'll try

I rested my head on the leather fabric of the seat, closing my eyes as I listened to the soft music in the car. Thinking back to that day. It was chaos. I remember finding him on the floor, eyes ridden with tears. Such, delicate, hazel eyes that were filled with fear and pain.

#######flashback######

The cold skin of my hands caressed Dan's cheek, slowly moving across his flesh as it sent shockwaves up my fingers, goosebumps ghosting over my pale skin. Our lips moved in sync, not departing for the air we oh so needed. the metal keys that stood on the tips of Dan's fingers fell from his hand, connecting with the wooden floor. Running his hands through my hair, he bit down lightly onto my lip as I wrapped my hands around his waist, pulling him closer. Dan pulled away slowly resting his head on my shoulder.

"I don't think now's the time Phil"

"Why not."

" 'why not' Phil what do you mean why not. I just don't want to do this right now."

Dan slowly pulled away, stepping back from me.

"I want this dan. You had me worried this entire time I at least deserve some sex."

I stepped closer to him, each footstep echoing loudly in the silent room.

"Are you ok? Phil, I can smell the alcohol from here."

He continued to step back until his back connected with the wall, a slight thud filling the air. I knew what he was saying. I just didn't need to think. I have him right here, right now and he's mine. All mine. I took one more step closer to him, closing any space between our bodies.

Don't think

"Your all mine dan"

I pressed him harder into the wall, ignoring any signs of protest from him.

Don't think

I placed wet kisses on his neck, his body going completely still with fear. I pulled him towards the couch, roughly tugging his arm when he protested to move.

"Phil, please I don't want to" his eyes reminded me of the previous night, the fear and pain in his eyes. I softened for a second, his demeanor worrying me.

Don't think

But I had to ignore it. I needed this. Kicking a few bottles out of the way, I pushed him onto the couch before kissing him. His hands pushed against my chest in an attempt to push me away. I could tell he wasn't trying that hard, he was too weak, too scared, he still cared too much to believe what was happening.

Don't think

I pushed his arms away from me, removing his shirt without ease. He really wasn't trying to escape. Oh Daniel, how submissive you are. The boy can't even think for himself. I grinned at his fear. Sexy. I attacked his neck, his body still stiff, arms unmoving from his belly.

"Fuck this" I grabbed at his jeans, unbuckling his belt.

"Phil. No, stop" he wiggled away from me clutching at his pants.

"Danny, come on. I'm just trying to have a little fun"

I attempted to reach for his pants again, successfully removing them.

"Phil. Please stop, please just stop"

Tears began to well in his eyes as he held his knees to his chest.

Don't think

Grabbing roughly at his shoulders I pulled him towards me, His fighting becoming more rough as he tried to escape my grip. Finally, I was fully unclothed as I sneaked a kiss at dan, his eyes averting my face as tears streamed down his face. I lightly brushed away a tear from his face as I whispered into his ear.

"Don't worry Danny, I'm just trying to have fun"

I pulled his body to mine, leaving kisses down his neck before he abruptly pulled away, leaving his place on the vodka stained couch.

"Phil I'm pregnant"

The words rushed from his lips as he hugged his body. They were unimaginable. Him pregnant. Impossible. But I knew it wasn't actually. I had heard of carriers. I just never knew he was one. Maybe if he actually told me before, I wouldn't be mad. I wouldn't care even. But now he was fucking pregnant. I can't take care of a child. Not now. Not now.

Don't- fuck it, I will think. Hell it's all I can think about. Dan's pregnant. HE'S FUCKING PREGNANT.

"Get out."

"But Phil, I-"

"GET OUT. And don't ever come back"

 **Ok first. I know it isn't Saturday. Sorry. So a few things changed so I'm verry sorry if this chapter was confusing. The only thing that changed was the scene where Phil kicked dan out. I'm going to edit the first chapter so it's slightly different. It won't be large changes, still the same story, just a few things they say or do are changed. The reason I'm doing this is because I've noticed that the first chapter has the most views but less than half those people continue to read, which I understand cause the first chapter was really crappy. I'm still questioning how I'm gonna get Phil out of this mess because technically he was attempting to rape dan (in the book of course, Philly would never do such), and I definitely don't support rape so I don't want it to be like dan immediately loves and forgives Phil cause in reality that's just blind love and you shouldn't be with someone who abuses you. Another thing Louise does not know Phil in this. Ok sorry for ranting.**

 **I want to say thank you to anyone who is still reading and thank you to Lauren for the continued support. Again sorry if this chapter was crappy, I feel so much emotion yet I can't express it..**


	8. Isle of flightless birds

**a month without uploading he comes back with a chapter**

light glared through my eyelids, kaleidoscopes of colours rushing across the blank canvas of darkness, leaving me in a tranquil state. It was peaceful. Times like these were rare. When my mind didn't try to fight for dominance, leaving an empty vessel to just lay on feathered ground. I liked it. But emptiness scares me.

"Oh Dan, you're awake "

Turning my head, I looked over to Phil. A green shirt loosely adorning his chest, streaks of paint covering his body.

"Ash and I are gonna get dressed, if that's okay"

"Yeah, sure. And... Phil thanks for looking out for ash and I, it's really sweet of you."

Standing from the warm couch I left the room, leaving him before he could reply.

A soft sigh escaped my mouth, release of a breath I didn't know I was holding.

Goosebumps decorated my skin as I walked towards the bathroom. Wish I took that blanket with me. I should check the thermostat later, it shouldn't be this cold. I had work early the next day and ash getting sick would probably have to make me stay home.

Well, Phil would probably love to help. She wouldn't even notice I was gone if I left her With him.

I need to get rid of these thoughts.

I focused on the large mirror in front of me, my reflection glaring back at me. My brown hair riddled with curls. My eyes a dark brown, filled with galaxies that were slowly dying. Fiddling with the thin cloth of my shirt I lightly lifted the fabric. It so gently brushing against my skin. I looked back at my reflection, staring at the long c like scar on my belly, before I started to trace it with my fingers. I had to get a c-section when I had ash. She was so small. Tiny hands and feet in my arms. And the most beautiful eyes she got from her father. She's all I could ever ask for. But maybe someday I'll have another baby. I just always gain so much weight. I still hadn't lost all my pregnancy weight. My stomach looks like a deflated balloon.

"You look beautiful"

I looked towards the doorway, my breath hitching as I saw Phil.

"What do you mean, I'm wearing the same thing from before."

Turning my gaze away from him I looked in the mirror, fixing my shirt that was left in an awkward position. My cheeks were rosy, but I tried to ignore it, playing it off as the cold.

"It means you're beautiful, no matter what anyone says, to me you're the most beautiful person I have ever met. And...we're in this together, You don't have to thank me for helping out with ash."

"Your just always nice aren't you, Phil"

He smiled at me, eyes soft as he stares at me.

"Of course m'lady" he said, tipping an imaginary hat as a combo.

"You spork"

We giggled at his stupid joke. The air becoming more light as we talked.

Light footsteps could be heard down the hall as ash came closer.

Phil lifted her into his arms, securely wrapping them around her.

"Dada can we go"

"Uh yeah, just let me get something"

I kissed ash on the fore head before leaving to my room, taking the locket from it's box and putting it around my neck.

Looking at my reflection for a split second before joining Phil and ash.

*******************skip to the cafe************

Phil pov

Ash held onto my right hand, her other in Dan's as she swung in between us, using us as leverage. A soft 'weeee' occasionally escaping her mouth.

We all looked like a family. All that I've ever wanted. It wasn't completely right, but if it's all I can have for now, I think I'd be just fine with that.

We were currently walking towards the cafe, arlustiga cafe? However your supposed to pronounce that?

It was quite full by the looks of it, different types of people rushing around trying to get about their day. I've wanted to go to a more fancy restaurant, but it was probably better to start out casual, plus I didn't want to give dan the wrong idea.

He seemed to be warming up to me, lately.

I mean, I called him beautiful and honestly I didn't know what to expect, but he was okay with it.

I really care about him,and I just hope he knows that.

"Phil, you okay. You've been spaced out for a while."

"I'm fine, don't worry about it."

"Alright then, let's get this cheeky motherfucker in that cafe."

"DAN, not in front of ash"

"Ok fine maybe I should watch my language a little bit"

"Bad daddy"

Dan giggled, lifting ash from the ground.

"Yes Ashton, I'm a very bad daddy"

A smile danced onto my face as I watched him bounce her in the air.

"Ok guys fun times over, I'm dying of hunger."

"Wow fun hater. But yes my stomach is practically eating itself so let's go."

We entered through the glass doors, light cascading over every area as the sky began to turn orange. All eyes were suddenly on us, people pausing in their chatter

To take notice of what was happening. After a few seconds almost everyone went back to what they were doing, but whispering could be heard from all over. I glanced at dan, Finally realizing they were all looking at him.

Pulling him and ash towards a table I sat them down, setting ash in my lap. I wasn't completely sure what they were all whispering about, but I could make a guess.

"How'd they know about it."

"It kinda became big news around the time I started showing."

Dan's head was tilted down, his fingers making imaginary circles on the table.

I moved over to his side, putting ash in between us.

Cautiously I moved my hand towards his, slowly intertwining them. It was only platonic. He needed my help, friend or not. I should be there for him.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"Not really"

"Alright. I'm here for you okay. We both are."

Ash wrapped her arms around him, resting her head on his side.

"I love you Daddy"

"I love you too sweetie. and thank you Phil, I hope I can return the favour some day"

I smiled at him, squeezing his hand as his cheeks lit up.

"You already have."

 **I always thought grimace meant smile. It's the complete opposite.**


	9. upcoming chapters

Currently writing a multitude of chapters so look out for that. expect about atleast 3 chapters upcoming for both books by the dec 1 or before


	10. Shit mate- I'M BACK

ok wow, it has been actual years. I wrote this when I was like 10 or 12. I was just bored and came back to read this and holy shit my writing actually went terrible? like there's a few mistakes here and there that could be easily fixed and I'm genuinely thinking of actually continuing the story? but 1. it's been years so no one is probably interested in this anymore, or 2. the people who have been interested in this probably don't even use this site anymore. actually im not even sure how many people still use this site cause im more of a archive of our own person.

but yeah if anyone that still likes this story exists out there hmm with a review or pm and I'll know to continue writing- even if its just one person.

also sorry for the pain of abandoning this story cause I am currently obsessed with a fic and the thought of it just being abandoned like this was actually scares me so yeah I'm so sorry. and if Lauren somehow sees this, thanks for being a great supporter cause you actually gave me so much motivation and energy and I was also very depressed during those times so idk it just made me happy to have that. I wish I could have talked more with you.


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